I’ve been asked a few times in person and online about when we are planning to have a second child. I decided I would like to address that here since it is not a simple answer and everyone seems curious enough. Why not make it public knowledge? (Nervous laughter.)
First of all, let’s get the facts squared away:
- Micah is barely a year old. He is 13 months and 3 weeks to be exact.
- I am still nursing him. As a result, and I know this is not the case for every nursing mom, I have not experienced the return of you know what.
- Per fact #3, I am not fertile at the moment. Yes, I know I could ovulate ANY SECOND NOW. But it’s more likely I’ll get a red flag first. Ahem.
(Taken at Micah’s Birthday party in April.)
Friend: “When are you planning on having another baby?”
Me: “Uhhh…. it’s complicated?”
The short answer is, I have no plans. “Plans” have no merit here. This is the part where I usually get a raised eyebrow, but let me explain.
“Family Planning” is such a misnomer because anyone who has tried to plan their families will tell you it’s just not in your control. People want you to think it is in your control, but aside from abstinence, there is no 100% guarantee either way. People get pregnant when they are not trying and many more don’t get pregnant when they want nothing more… I know it’s a cliche to say “all in God’s timing,” but it’s never more true than when you’re talking about making babies. Doing the baby dance: it’s like playing the slot machines. You may hit the jackpot, you may not. Babies are definitely cooler than winning the jackpot. Babies are miracles. Every one of them.
So this non-answer is really the only answer to a question like, “so, when are you two going to have another baby?” because I don’t know. It’s not in my control. As far as I know, I’m not even able to get pregnant right now and I have no idea when my fertility will return. I’m not comfortable giving any kind of time line. It’s just such an awkward question with no obvious answer. If you ask me this question, I’ll probably give you the polite response rather than the explanation. “Whenever God chooses to bless us!”
Now, if you were to ask me when I WANT to have another baby…
I want more babies. I want many more babies. I would love to get pregnant again, even right now I would. I’ll share a little piece of my heart with you… sometimes when I hear a pregnancy announcement from a friend, many of whom were pregnant with me the first time, I feel a little bit sad. If I am truly honest with myself and you, I am a little bit afraid that my body will take a lot longer to gear up for #2 than I would like. I would love to have all my babies right in a row. What if that didn’t happen? That is what I’m apprehensive about. What if there was a four year gap between Micah and the next? It’s my dream for him to have a little play buddy. I don’t want there to be a huge gap – I want them to relate to each other the way I relate to my sister. I want. I want. I want. *Sigh*… listen to myself. I’m not asking for advice. I know this is silly logic. I know… I just don’t feel what I know.
This is the part where I preach to myself and hope what is in my head will sink into my heart:
What I really want to want is what God wants. So I’m trying really hard to want that. To be content. I’m trying really hard to tell my maternal clock to SHUT UP ALREADY and let me enjoy #1 without worrying about #2. I want to congratulate my friends and leave it at that – I don’t want the thought, “I want to be pregnant, too” to cross my mind. I mean, why? Look at fact #1 up there – Micah’s barely one year old. It’s still early to be pregnant again, technically. If I was pregnant right now, people would be saying, “wow, so how far apart will they be?” Seriously.
Holy cannoli, I just realized what the real issue is here.
More than anything, my pride wants the freedom of choice – of planning. I want to be ABLE to sell my house. I want to be ABLE to get pregnant. Even if I don’t want those things to happen right now, I just want to know that they could happen. I’m acting like my toddler. He just learned the word “no.” He walked around the house today saying, “no no no no” just because he could. He wasn’t even objecting to anything, but I think he liked the sound of the word rolling off his tongue. Saying “no” or even “yes” means you have power. It means you have a choice. Autonomy. Independence. Freedom. Toddlers relish in the ability to reject what they don’t want (and sometimes what they do want, just because they can). Here I am, whining because I want the same thing: Choice. In this case, I don’t have any more power than those meaningless “no’s” he’s throwing around. God is seriously humbling me right now.
Lord, show me how to be content. Remove this ugly jealousy and pride from my heart. In the meantime, tell people to refrain from asking me when I’m going to have another child. Or, tell them to read my blog first. They don’t realize how complicated the answer is for me, but I know you understand me perfectly, and you love me SO MUCH anyway. I love you, too. Amen.
Just read this….and totally get it! I used to get so sick of…"so when are you having a baby"…people overall just need to give it a rest. One thing I have learned is planning does not work at all, Burke and I can vouch for that and that people need to mind their own business. It's not anyone's business on what you and your family do. God has his plans and we just have to walk our path.
If it happens once, it will happen again…just keep that in mind!
Love the article, can relate:) I remember being at a bar with my co-workers, drinking a beer and 3 of them came up to me and asked if I was pregnant. They knew we wanted to start "trying" that summer. But as I took a moment to answer their question with a swig of beer (no obviously!!!!), I realized that people are just baby crazy. Those last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I had people telling me they were checking my facebook page daily to see if I had it. I was like "really?" "Why?" People are just excited for babies. They are little miracles and everyone wants to be apart of that. It made me realize how many people care about me, and how many potential new babysitters I have:)
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I read this and totally dig it!! good for you..got the same response from people may times between Morgan and Rylan. Morgan nursed until she was two so we have a three year gap between the two…I think God timed it just right and they are still totally digging each other despite the three year diffeence. Hard to wait and anticipate but you have the exact right attitude…..I have the same feelings now when I hear that someone is pregnant…tinges of sadness. They grow so fast and it doesn't seem long enough to take it all in so appreciate your time with the one little one now cuz when two comes along, the time will fly twice as fast!!!
So glad you stopped by so I could find your site. What a beautiful place you have here!
Hugs,
Genny
Sarah is the same way… She wants to know that things will happen eventually and to have that security that it is a fact… even if it is only in God's timing and not her's.
Trust in the unknown or unseen is hard, but that's what faith is all about. Not necessarily faith that you will have another child even, but faith in God knowing what is best for you. God has a plan for your life just as you have a plan for protecting Micah and blessing him with all good things you want him to have/experience.
The trouble is when we act like the toddler who doesn't trust in the parent to know best and to ration blessings appropriately.
Hang in there Kim. You've got a good head on your shoulders and you know better, but that doesn't always mean it'll be an easy journey.
… really? 5 comments before me and I end up with the pink icon? … lame.
Like Brent said… I can totally relate! Sorry if I ever asked you when you were going to have another baby. I know how that feels! But God's timing is perfect and He has a perfect plan for your family. A lesson I have to remind myself of constantly.
Hey Kim,
You are an encouragament to me. It is so awesome to see God working in your life and the bits of wisdom He has given you to share with others. I admit that I am one who asked "the question" and I agree with previous statements, that, people are just excited about babies and an unexplicable joy comes over them when the topic comes up. And at the same time, that is a very personal question to ask and I apologize. I on the other hand need to take a step back and reflect on what you have said about God's timing… and the question of when do you know your family is complete or is it even right to ask such a question. I have been blessed with 3 children already and they are very close together (3 under 3 when all was said and done). And as of yet, my youngest is almost 8 mo old. I was pregnant with my third by now. And I realize that I'm being very selfish myself: I say things like "I don't want anymore? or I'm getting my tubes tied, etc!"
Albeit, we do run a pretty busy life around here with Bob finishing his masters in nursing to be an NP. He works FT (3rd shift weekends)and is going to school FT in addition to clinicals 20 hours a week an hour away. My almost 2 year old, lays on the floor and looks under the door to the basement (where he does his homework) and asks me "Where'd daddy go?!" Or, stands by our bedroom door, "Daddy nuh-night." All that time he's away, I feel like a single mom of a 3.5 year old, 2 year old and 7 mo old (that I'm nursing). Yah…. I want to pull my hair out a lot of times because my husband isn't home very much; so is it wrong of me to feel that way? Atleast for now, I cannot even come close to seeing another child coming into this world until Bob is done with school. He has 1 year left (at least for this degree…. there's talk of going on for his doctorate which would be another 3-5 years).
The questions we have as mothers and more importantly, as followers of Christ, are sometimes more than I can handle and that's when faith needs to kick in. I certainly cannot do this all on my own. Thank you for your imput and honesty and for showing your faith and an attitude that more of us need to reflect in our own lives! I need to relax and enjoy all that God has blessed us with and keep in mind that He is in control. And if we are blessed with another child that I do understand that it's all in His timing. Thanks Kim for pointing out our need to be content with what we have and anything(or anyone, for that matter) that God has decided to bless us with!
God Bless you Kim and enjoy that little guy! He's getting so big!
My daughter is 27mos and I've been hearing this since she was about 6mos! I realize now that it's equivalent to someone saying "How've you been?" Its just something to ask. Are those people going to be there when you've got 2 kids in diapers? NOPE.
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