Resolutions

I love New Years… it makes me feel like I have a new slate and a chance to start over and kick some bad habits. I didn’t make any on New Year’s Eve, but this week I have spent some time looking around with fresh eyes and the things I needed to change became super obvious.

1. I need to make decisions about what I do today based on how it will effect my tomorrow, and my family’s tomorrow, rather than how it will make me feel today. Tomorrow’s consequences will last longer than today’s instant gratification. My family’s wellbeing is more important than my aversion to whatever chore I’m avoiding at the moment.

She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
(Proverbs 31:27 ESV)

2. I need to make worship, prayer & bible study the first priority in my life. This means, I need to make sure that my sleep, entertainment and work schedule are such that I am able to set aside quiet time for Jesus.

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
(Luke 9:23 ESV)

3. I need to make the distinction between what I want and what I need. This is my greatest barrier to financial freedom. This is also my greatest barrier to health. I need to be content with what I have, right now. I need to recognize when something that I want is not in my best interest (like that candy bar, for example).

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:12-13 ESV)

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
(Hebrews 13:5 ESV)

4. I need to be uncomfortable with who I am, right now, so that I will continue to rely on Jesus to become who I will be, in Him.

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
(Philippians 3:20-21 ESV)

He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Baby

Yesterday I found myself feeling more frustrated than ever. I had dropped a sheet of paper in the parking lot, and when I picked it up and unfolded it, I saw that it was my prescription for my fertility meds. I glanced it over and suddenly I got that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The directions for the progesterone looked off to me. I reread the days listed and I realized that I started it on the wrong day. I had thought it said to start the progesterone on day #12…. but last night I saw that it actually said #17. How could I have mistaken the 7 for a 2? That is what I did, and I effectively killed my chances this month. I’m so mad at myself!! To think of all the time, worry, pregnancy tests and money wasted. Now I’m just waiting for the next month to start so I can have another chance. I’m going to write it all on a calendar and triple check it against my script. So frustrating!!

I’d rather focus on what is good in my life right now. God has been so tender with me lately; he has shown me how much he loves me through worship, through friends, through my daily life. He knows my heart. He knows exactly what I need. My emotions are shaky right now, and most of that has to do with the meds and the physical adjustment. I’m constantly trading in these temporary emotions for God’s eternal peace, constantly offering up my concerns and frustrations in prayer, knowing that He will work out everything. These days I do not put any stock in my shaky emotions. I tell myself, this won’t last long, just keep plugging through.

I look at my life and the different “doors” that are presented to me. It seems as though the doors to baby#2 are closing and the doors to my career are opening all around me. I often wonder if God’s hand is present in all this – in that He has a specific purpose for me in this area of my life, and my plans for more kids is on hold because of that.  I don’t know what the future holds so I can’t really make any assumptions, but I’m always seeking for opportunities to glorify God with the skills that I have and in the circumstances I’m in. The idea of ramping up my business really excites me. I love photography with every ounce of my heart! There are also other areas in my life where I can see that God might need me, too – for instance – one of my best friends is carrying twins right now. If I were pregnant, I wouldn’t be much help to her when she really needs it this fall! She’s gonna need extra hands, for sure!

So, a lot of things are on my mind lately, as you can probably tell. And I feel like my blog is getting too “heavy,” so I’m going to lighten it up a bit with some funny pictures! Ready?

This little boy brings so much joy to my life – a smile to my face I just can’t wipe away. I’ve never been more grateful for him than I am now.

The End of the World Is Not Going to Happen On May 21st

I have been hearing all these references to the end of the world happening on May 21st, so I googled it and found TONS of people citing some 89-year-old guy who says the rapture is going to happen that day.

He is wrong. Why? Because Jesus told us no one would know when that day was, not even himself! Only God the Father knows, and He certainly hasn’t not put a secret code in scripture to tell us when it is – that would contradict Himself.

Jesus is coming back, but I highly doubt it’s in a couple of days. Even so, we should all be living as though it could happen in any moment! :)

Read Matthew 24:3-44:

3 As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

4 Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. 5 For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. 6 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8 All these are the beginning of birth pains.

9 “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10 At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11 and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12 Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13 but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

15 “So when you see standing in the holy place ‘the abomination that causes desolation,’[a]spoken of through the prophet Daniel—let the reader understand— 16 then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. 17 Let no one on the housetop go down to take anything out of the house. 18 Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak. 19 How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! 20 Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. 21 For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again.

22 “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. 23 At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. 24 For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect. 25 See, I have told you ahead of time.

26 “So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the wilderness,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. 27 For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. 28 Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather.

29 “Immediately after the distress of those days

“‘the sun will be darkened,
and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky,
and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’[b]

30 “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth[c] will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory.[d] 31 And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.

32 “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. 33 Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it[e]is near, right at the door. 34 Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. 35 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

The Day and Hour Unknown

36 “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,[f] but only the Father. 37 As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 38For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39 and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 40 Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. 41 Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

42 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. 43 But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. 44 So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

UP Again.

Wow, I really left my blog on a low note, didn’t I? Well, I have been feeling much better this week, but I haven’t really felt like writing anything. I kept looking at my blog and thinking, man I really should post something new…. but I always had something else to do first.

It has been a great week. God has given me such a sense of peace. At MOPS this past Thursday, we released balloons into the sky to symbolize giving up our concerns to God, and I really did release a lot of my disappointments and expectations that I have been holding on to. I came home that night and told Eric about it. All I got was a smirk and a “that’s such a woman thing to do.” Alright, Eric! Thanks! Ok, I know he was kidding and he has the best intentions – don’t be mad at him. Really, though, it did mean a lot to me and I thought about it a lot over the next few days.

The truth is, we can come to a place of peace, and if we are not careful, we can wander off again, back into a state of worry and confusion about what God wants for our lives. I know this because this is not the first time I have worked towards this contented place. Before I got pregnant with Micah, I was so worried about getting pregnant, and even before that, I was worried Eric would never be ready to have a baby. I was waiting impatiently on him… and I was waiting very impatiently on God.

I have to give my worries over to the Lord every single morning. I have to rely on Him every single day. He is my daily bread.

On Friday, I had some awesome fellowship with the ladies… my good friend Laurel hosts a girls’ night at her home once a month. It’s fun to watch the babies play on the floor… when Laurel first started hosting this, only one of us was a mom. It has been a blessing to walk through this stage of life together, getting excited about our growing families, sharing maternity clothes and holding each other’s babies. When I get baby fever, I can just squeeze of one these cutie-patooties.

Saturday, I got to spend the day with my mom. We went to the mall and I got to have a little retail therapy. Hello new yellow leather purse, I love you! (Picture later, I haven’t taken one yet….)

On Sunday, a bunch of families dedicated their babies at church. There were so many babies up there, it was adorable! After church, I had a senior session, which was a lot of fun because it was something a little different. I went to her house and we did a little shoot by her piano. I look forward to editing those, just as soon as I finish this one-year-old birthday session I’m working on right now. Talk about cute…

Monday…. I cleaned. My house thanked me afterward.

Today… was one big giant play date. I was babysitting my friend’s daughter, then Heather came over with her daughter, and right after she left, Laurel came over with her daughter. It was awesome! I love having people over.

Tomorrow…. I’m going to the Discovery Center with the MOPS group – can’t wait!

Micah loves his new sunglasses:

My Plan? What’s That?

Oh little man, you give me this face a lot. You are almost 2 though, so the face just kind of comes with the territory. It says “I am figuring out that life is not always awesome and it does not always go my way! (And I don’t like that!)”

Little man, I of all people understand how you feel! I am adult, but I am still learning that my plan is not always God’s plan, and sometimes I don’t like it! Sometimes I am selfish and I want my plan to be THE plan. I know what’s best for you. God knows what’s best for me. Both of us are hard pressed to know what’s best for ourselves because our hearts and minds are a little clouded – with our own wants. You want to eat 5 bananas, two pounds of Jell-O, 500 chicken nuggets and drink 5 gallons of juice every day. I want to get pregnant 8 months ago. Hmm….

The longer I wait for your sibling, though, the more I realize I really hit the jackpot with you! I mean, we prayed for you, and… two months later I was pregnant! That’s fast! And I know you have no idea what the word “ovulating” means, but I can tell you it’s not happening in this house… at all. That’s why mommy’s been sad this week. That’s why I was “cwying” the other day. I was sad because I was afraid that you’d be an only child, kind of like you’re always afraid that mommy will NEVER give you another banana because I wouldn’t give you one RIGHT NOW, and so you throw yourself to the floor in total anguish. I totally wanted to have a tantrum this week, too.

But, some friends reminded my heart of the truth I’ve had in my head all along, that God loves me and will take care of me no matter what happens. I need that reminder, because my fears make me totally irrational. I’m sorry to say, but they make me act a little bit like you. (Don’t worry, you won’t be 2 forever.)

Today, in the car, you got bored and started to get fussy. Then two seconds into it, you stopped yourself and declared, twice, “No fits.” And then you were fine. Oh you are growing up!

Well little man, mommy is through with grieving over this road block. Crying won’t get me pregnant. Ovulating, shmovulating. God is in control. I’m telling myself, No fits! and giving this over to God for the hundredth time.

He Sees Me

Luke 7:12-13: As he approached the town gate, a dead person was being carried out-the only son of his mother, and she was a widow. And a large crowd from the town was with her. When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry” (NIV).

Photograph by Adi Nes (http://www.wexarts.org)

Genesis 16:6b-11, 13: Then Sarai treated Hagar so harshly that she finally ran away.
The angel of the LORD found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said to her, “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from, and where are you going?”
“I’m running away from my mistress, Sarai,” she replied.
The angel of the LORD said to her, “Return to your mistress, and submit to her authority.” Then he added, “I will give you more descendants than you can count.”
And the angel also said, “You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means “God hears”), for the LORD has heard your cry of distress.…”
Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the LORD, who had spoken to her. She said, “You are the God who sees me.” She also said, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?”
(NLT)

There is no way that two different devotionals (sent to my inbox this morning) could feature two different passages, and yet the same theme, by coincidence.

I think most people have a need to be seen. There is a quote from the movie “Shall We Dance” that I think sums up this innate desire perfectly.

In case you’re reading this at work and can’t watch the clip, I’ll write it out here: “We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”

Of course, Susan Sarandon’s character is missing something very important in her observation. Despite the billions of people on this planet, one life means a whole lot. God sees us. God cares about everything. God is our witness.

What makes the passages above even more important is that they are about women.  Women were not favored by society by any means in biblical times. They did not have as many rights and they were rarely recognized. That God the Almighty and Jesus the Messiah would approach these women and address their pain as individuals, at a personal level, probably amazed these women, though it certainly was not out of God’s character. I imagine Hagar’s heart leaping with joy as she exclaimed, “You are the God who sees me!” Perhaps she realized that she did not truly know God as well as she thought she did, and that is why she asked, “Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” After all, she was not looking for God in the wilderness, was she…

I love these verses… as I type this my heart is light and I’m ready to jump out of my seat with excitement. GOD SEES ME! Doesn’t that feel good to let that truth sink into your heart? Maybe you are a stay-at-home-mom like me and you feel invisible sometimes, as though you are just a pair of hands taking care of your child’s needs. Maybe you are working in a job that does not match with your degree and you feel like you’ll never get your big break and be noticed for your skills. Maybe you’re waiting for that solo, but you feel drowned out in the chorus. Whatever your situation, let this truth sink in: GOD SEES YOU. He knows what you are going through and he cares.

Standing in Line

I am so grateful for all that I have. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and a son. Nothing is perfect in life, but this face comes pretty darn close…

I’ve lived a pretty privileged life. I never had to go without. I met my husband when I was only 21, we got married at 23 and it only took us 2 tries to get pregnant with Micah. Whenever I try to learn something, I usually pick up on it pretty quickly. Most of time, most things were within reach for me. Waiting is not something I am super familiar with. All the things I have I got right away… I never really waited.

I have it so good, I feel pretty guilty about this jealousy I feel. I wanted to have lots of kids and I wanted them to be relatively close in age. And now that it’s clearly not in the cards, I am wondering what happened to my plan… But I’m also wondering why this is bothering me so much.

The truth is I have all the patience in the world for a while. I am content with what I have until I’m abruptly faced with what I don’t.  When I get another negative pregnancy test… when I congratulate another friend on their second pregnancy… or third… when I realize that it’s been 9 months and still no double pink line. Nine months isn’t even that long, everyone knows that… but it’s not the ninth months that bother me, it’s the fear of nine more. Every time the jealousy and fear return, I have to remind myself of what is true, that God has a plan for me and it’s better than my plan. My next child, if I am blessed with one, will be born on the exact day that he or she is supposed to.

Still I can’t deny that I question why I have to wait. I feel like I’ve been standing in line and everyone keeps cutting in front. When will it be my turn? I don’t think I should be feeling this way, but I do anyway. I wish I could change my attitude and be patient. But maybe that is precisely what God is trying to teach me by making me wait.

I feel like I need to lift the mood a bit, so here are some cute pictures of my little guy!

And… here is the sunset from yesterday :)

Even Broken Things Can Be Beautiful

Exhibit A.

“Just go through the motions…”

Seriously this weekend has been incredibly adventurous in a very bad way. Or a good way, depending on your perspective. I choose to see God’s provision in that Eric had decided to take today off from work several days ago, before any of this happened. He was available to take that time and address everything from deciding how to handle a smashed up vehicle to doing damage control as a result of a stolen debit card.  In a span of 48 hours, Eric lost control of our car on a sheet of ice and obliterated our vehicle on a guard rail, and someone managed to dip into our checking account and spend over $500 at some French transportation vendor — we believe they bought train tickets? How nice of them, right?

Everything is just so shocking that I hardly know how to respond… and so, I haven’t really responded, except to take some interesting (yet eerily beautiful) photos of my seemingly cursed car. I used my zoom lens to get a wide angle (18mm) and bounced my flash off the garage ceiling.

The aftermath could have been so awful. I could seriously have exploded at Eric. But by God’s grace I was able to encourage Eric and cheer him up in spite of some very bad circumstances. You know, we women have some serious power that we often abuse. We can determine how our families wade through struggles. The stress level in our homes truly rests on our shoulders (perhaps our hearts?). Ever heard the phrase, “happy wife, happy life”? It’s very true…. I can’t say how grateful I am that Jesus really softened my heart this weekend. Unfortunately it’s not my personality to be so calm. I’m a natural freaker-outer. Good thing God can take the worst freaker-outers and turn them into it’s-ok-honey-we’ll-get-throughers. See? Even broken things can be beautiful sometimes.

I Got Off Track

Redefining “Woman” and Remembering My Purpose

I have been reading through a very convicting book this week called “Girls Gone Wise,” by Mary A. Kassian. In defining what the Bible means when it talks about the wise woman, Kassian doesn’t mess around. Instead, she presents a powerful comparison between the Proverbs 7 wild woman and the Proverbs 31 woman.  I expected to identify with the Proverbs 31 woman, and how foolish I was to think so. As I have been wrestling through each chapter, I have found that I have much more in common with the wild woman of Proverbs 7 than I would care to mention.

Somewhere along the line, I decided I was good enough. I started comparing myself to the “worst,” instead of holding my heart up into the light of God’s word. As a result, my heart looked clean and my life looked pure. Only… it wasn’t. Not even close. As I have studied God’s standard, I have realized how much I have gotten off track. I have forgotten my purpose. I have fallen into sinful patterns without even noticing. Comparing myself to God’s standards instead of the world’s has revealed a rebellious, self-indulgent spirit that I did not realize was within me. It has been the ugly reality behind all the bad habits I have been unable to kick.

One chapter of the book dealt with priorities, and that was one that really knocked me off my feet. I have always looked to my intent, what I want to get done, rather than what I actually do, to measure what is important to me. That is backwards! You really do make time for what is important to you. If something is not really important to you, you won’t do it. It was hard for me to look at my daily habits and come to terms with the fact that my priorities are way off.

Here is a passage from that chapter:

As gross as it is to really look your own sin in the eye, I have been trying to do just that. I don’t want to gloss over my sins anymore. I don’t want to justify them by comparing myself with those who are doing “worse.” There is only one standard I should be aspiring to, and that is the standard that is laid out in scripture. I am looking forward to rearranging my priorities and watching God change my heart. I know that as he works these false practices and views out of me, that the result will be something really good. Not just for me, but for my family as well. God has a purpose for me, but until I correct my wrong thinking and behavior, I’m going to miss out.

I would highly recommend reading this book. You might be shocked by how you stack up!