Before & After | Old Engagement Photo

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When Eric and I got engaged, we had our friend Jennifer take our engagement photos in Lake Geneva in front of the Riviera, where we had our wedding reception. One of them is framed on our living room wall above our couch – a 16×20. There have always been a few things that bugged me about the photo though, mainly the fact that I have a lipstick smudge on my teeth that I didn’t notice until it came back from the lab. Ack! Then there’s the issue that I forgot to wear my engagement ring (really Kim?), but that can’t be fixed.

Well I decided to get rid of the lipstick, but once I opened up the photo I started doing all sorts of other things to it, and then I ordered a new 16×20 of the edited version from my pro lab. Here’s the before & after. Can you see what else I did to the photo?

It’s too bad I can’t go back in time and put on my darn engagement ring! I thought about flipping the photo so that my ring would appear to be hidden, rather than missing, but then Eric’s mole would be hopping to the other side of his face like something out of Robin Hood Men in Tights.

Playing With Lights

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I have been making a LOT of upgrades lately in preparation for the summer photography season. (Read: spending ALL of my deposits). Such is the nature of starting a business…. it won’t be this bad next summer. Most of my investments have involved off camera lighting gear. I’d added a few more strobes, several modifiers, and a set of PocketWizards. That’s all in addition to upgrading my camera to a gripped D90. (Ultimately I plan to shoot with a D700, but it doesn’t fit in my budget this year, maybe next year). I’ll be renting fast zooms for my weddings. I’m hoping that my equipment arsenal will be complete in 5 years or less, to where I’m no longer upgrading or renting, just replacing gear as necessary (and hopefully that’s not too often).

ANYWAY…. I’ve been practicing like a fool with my SB700, sometimes putting it on a light stand in a softbox  (for on location shoots) and sometimes bouncing it off walls/ceilings. For all the examples below, I was in my house and the light was very low due to the rain. You would never know it for how nice and bright these are!

For this one I metered for a few stops below the ambient light and fired my speedlight on TTL mode inside a 20×24 Lasolite softbox, directly to the right of Micah.

For these, I bounced the flash to the size and very slightly behind me – basically I aimed the flash head towards where I would have placed the softbox. When I took this picture of Micah, there was still sunlight in the room.

I really need to gel my flash for tungsten light to get my color right, as you can see in the photo below. It was hard to balance the white light of the flash with the yellow light of the incandescent bulbs in the kitchen. I should have also flipped off the overhead light on the stove, I think.

As you can see, bouncing the flash to the side (not to the ceiling, yuck) can really give you some nice directional light. It’s going to come in really handy  in those dark churches this summer!

Everything I learned about using my flash in this way I picked up from here, my new favorite blog!

God Has a Funny Sense of Humor

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So, I am scheduled to start hormone therapy at the beginning of May… as in next week. Except, remember how in my last post I said I thought maybe I wouldn’t need the hormones? In past cycles my temp never went above 97.1, but this month I had a bout of what felt like morning sickness for nearly a week and all of a sudden my temps started routinely hitting 97.1 and above. Geez louise I need to listen to my gut instinct…. because take a look at my chart.

OMG!

In case you’re new to fertility charting, every woman has lower basal body temperatures before she ovulates, and higher ones afterward, which means you can accurately pinpoint the day of ovulation just by taking your temp every day at the same time before you get out of bed (your resting temp). I have not ovulated since I had Micah two years ago. Not only was I not experiencing that temperature shift, I was having consistently low, low temps because of my low progesterone.

And it just figures that it would happen the WEEK BEFORE I’m supposed to start taking Chlomid and the other hormones.

Bonus… right now is the time that I would normally be sinking into sucky depression, and it’s NOT HAPPENING!

A lot of people have been praying for me hard core, especially in the last month when I opened up to my small group about what was going on. There is no other explanation than that God has restored my body to normal working order. I am so thrilled and I can’t wait to tell my doctor!

A Possible Fix?

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Earlier this month, my second blood test confirmed that I have low progesterone and that I  have not been ovulating. Kind of makes me look back on all the efforts I was making to get pregnant and chuckling…. I never had a chance.

This past week I had a discussion appointment with my doctor about what action I should take. He said I could wait to see if things got resolved on my own are begin a course of hormone therapy and try to trigger ovulation so I can get pregnant. Being the incredibly patient person that I am (not), I chose the latter. He wrote me a prescription for Clomid, estrogen and progesterone. I am supposed to start taking them my next cycle.

Of course, because I’m always losing my mind over things like this, I have myself convinced that maybe I won’t need the treatment after all, because I swear I maybe, might have possibly, hopefully ovulated this month. Unlikely, but super hopeful. Right? Hahaha.

Despite my clear impatience, I am not without hope. I know that God has a plan for me and my little family. I am quite certain that more babies are on the way… eventually. I trust that God will time it out perfectly. I am not worried, but I am still waiting with my whole heart, mind and soul.

So in the meantime, I decided to grow our family in other ways. Meet Chloe…

Micah’s Birthday Party

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I can’t believe it’s been about 3 weeks since I’ve last updated this thing. I don’t know why, but my desire to blog has gone on the wayside. I think a lot of it has to do with Facebook – I’m updating that often and then I feel like there’s nothing left to say here. It also has to do with the fact that not a whole lot has been happening. Mmm.. well, maybe not. I think I’ll just take it one thing at a time rather than doing one big catchup post.

The first weekend of April was Micah’s 2nd birthday party! I had so much fun planning it. I put a lot of time into preparing the decorations this year. The theme was western/horse and I really went all out with the rope, bandanas, horses, etc. I think one of my favorite party decorations was the 42″ horse mylar balloon, which amazingly is still floating around.

Eric and I made soft pretzels from scratch the night before. We stayed up until 2am, shaping them into twisted horse shoes, baking them and dunking the hot pretzels in melted butter. They were incredible – we served them with nacho cheese dip.

Most of the decorations were printables that I had designed in Photoshop and printed at Office Max. I made water bottle labels, food label tents, a birthday sign, and little bandana triangles for a banner. I taped the triangles to twine and hung them over the patio.

In the future, I’ll probably find a more secure way to attach them, a few of them kept falling down because the tape wasn’t sticking very well.

Probably one of my favorite elements of the party was a custom birthday cake made by my friend Robin. She made it completely Micah-allergy-free (no soy, dairy, nuts or eggs). It was incredible! And I absolutely love her marshmallow fondant!

Micah had so much fun at his party, it was all he talked about for weeks. In fact, he saw a candle at my parents’ yesterday and started singing the Happy Birthday song. He sings, “happy bir-day youuuu Micah!” It is so cute!

UP Again.

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Wow, I really left my blog on a low note, didn’t I? Well, I have been feeling much better this week, but I haven’t really felt like writing anything. I kept looking at my blog and thinking, man I really should post something new…. but I always had something else to do first.

It has been a great week. God has given me such a sense of peace. At MOPS this past Thursday, we released balloons into the sky to symbolize giving up our concerns to God, and I really did release a lot of my disappointments and expectations that I have been holding on to. I came home that night and told Eric about it. All I got was a smirk and a “that’s such a woman thing to do.” Alright, Eric! Thanks! Ok, I know he was kidding and he has the best intentions – don’t be mad at him. Really, though, it did mean a lot to me and I thought about it a lot over the next few days.

The truth is, we can come to a place of peace, and if we are not careful, we can wander off again, back into a state of worry and confusion about what God wants for our lives. I know this because this is not the first time I have worked towards this contented place. Before I got pregnant with Micah, I was so worried about getting pregnant, and even before that, I was worried Eric would never be ready to have a baby. I was waiting impatiently on him… and I was waiting very impatiently on God.

I have to give my worries over to the Lord every single morning. I have to rely on Him every single day. He is my daily bread.

On Friday, I had some awesome fellowship with the ladies… my good friend Laurel hosts a girls’ night at her home once a month. It’s fun to watch the babies play on the floor… when Laurel first started hosting this, only one of us was a mom. It has been a blessing to walk through this stage of life together, getting excited about our growing families, sharing maternity clothes and holding each other’s babies. When I get baby fever, I can just squeeze of one these cutie-patooties.

Saturday, I got to spend the day with my mom. We went to the mall and I got to have a little retail therapy. Hello new yellow leather purse, I love you! (Picture later, I haven’t taken one yet….)

On Sunday, a bunch of families dedicated their babies at church. There were so many babies up there, it was adorable! After church, I had a senior session, which was a lot of fun because it was something a little different. I went to her house and we did a little shoot by her piano. I look forward to editing those, just as soon as I finish this one-year-old birthday session I’m working on right now. Talk about cute…

Monday…. I cleaned. My house thanked me afterward.

Today… was one big giant play date. I was babysitting my friend’s daughter, then Heather came over with her daughter, and right after she left, Laurel came over with her daughter. It was awesome! I love having people over.

Tomorrow…. I’m going to the Discovery Center with the MOPS group – can’t wait!

Micah loves his new sunglasses:

Hormonal Mess

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Ok, that might be a slight exaggeration. I got a call back from my doctor’s office on Monday afternoon and they let me know that my blood test showed that I have low hormone levels. I have to do a repeat test in a week and a half for comparison, and hopefully after that we’ll have a better idea of where I really stand. From talking with friends, I’ve learned that low progesterone is not entirely uncommon and it may be an “easy fix.” As long as that is the only thing wrong…

After I got off the phone with my nurse, I googled “low progesterone symptoms,” and was immediately struck by how well the list fit what I have been going through since Micah has been born, even before I was pregnant with him. When I look back on the last 5 years, the only time I felt truly normal was before my wedding, before I started hormonal birth control. I was only on it for a short time (due to the side effects), but it seems like I’ve never been the same since. I am so grateful that I have Micah.

One of the major symptoms that I have been having is depression in the days before my cycle starts. It continues for a few days after that. It’s awful. I lie in bed in the morning and just cry for no reason. I have no energy. Everything makes me cry. It’s like I’ll be reading something completely unemotional and all of a sudden I’ll realize there are tears streaming down my cheeks. I just feel super low and sluggish. Then, a few days later, I’m back to normal again. It has happened before every cycle the past 4… the only 4. I know that it is because of whatever is going on in my body, so I just pray and wait for it to lift. I’m glad Micah is at that age where he is full of affection. He is like my little therapist.

Ladies’ Spa Day

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About a month ago I got the idea to have a spa day at my house for four of my best friends. We call ourselves the Benson Posse because we all lived on the same floor of the womens’ dorm at UWW, Benson Hall. We ended up living together, in various combinations (2 to a room), for the rest of our years there, and we’ve remained friends ever since.

We all live within two hours of each other, and we try to get together as much as we can, but it’s tough to coordinate schedules between all the different jobs and responsibilities. By some divine intervention, we were all free this past Saturday, and as the plans came together, our spa day morphed into something a little more “sophisticated.” We traded home spa treatments for manicures in Lake Geneva, brunch at my house for drinks at Caribou and lunch at Egg Harbor Cafe. And the kicker was, in the midst of all the chilly rain we’ve been having as of late, Saturday was sunny and 50 degrees in Lake Geneva.

It was such a blessing to be able to reconnect and relax together. I have to say one of my favorite parts was before we all parted ways. We had just finished a fun photo shoot (cannot wait to get these photos up on my walls!) and sat together to pray. We were still in the park and we squeezed onto a bench to share what was on our hearts. Then we took turns lifting each other up in prayer.  It reminded me of the many hours we spent on our knees in the dorms. I think that is one of the main reasons that we have stayed so close over the years.

My Plan? What’s That?

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Oh little man, you give me this face a lot. You are almost 2 though, so the face just kind of comes with the territory. It says “I am figuring out that life is not always awesome and it does not always go my way! (And I don’t like that!)”

Little man, I of all people understand how you feel! I am adult, but I am still learning that my plan is not always God’s plan, and sometimes I don’t like it! Sometimes I am selfish and I want my plan to be THE plan. I know what’s best for you. God knows what’s best for me. Both of us are hard pressed to know what’s best for ourselves because our hearts and minds are a little clouded – with our own wants. You want to eat 5 bananas, two pounds of Jell-O, 500 chicken nuggets and drink 5 gallons of juice every day. I want to get pregnant 8 months ago. Hmm….

The longer I wait for your sibling, though, the more I realize I really hit the jackpot with you! I mean, we prayed for you, and… two months later I was pregnant! That’s fast! And I know you have no idea what the word “ovulating” means, but I can tell you it’s not happening in this house… at all. That’s why mommy’s been sad this week. That’s why I was “cwying” the other day. I was sad because I was afraid that you’d be an only child, kind of like you’re always afraid that mommy will NEVER give you another banana because I wouldn’t give you one RIGHT NOW, and so you throw yourself to the floor in total anguish. I totally wanted to have a tantrum this week, too.

But, some friends reminded my heart of the truth I’ve had in my head all along, that God loves me and will take care of me no matter what happens. I need that reminder, because my fears make me totally irrational. I’m sorry to say, but they make me act a little bit like you. (Don’t worry, you won’t be 2 forever.)

Today, in the car, you got bored and started to get fussy. Then two seconds into it, you stopped yourself and declared, twice, “No fits.” And then you were fine. Oh you are growing up!

Well little man, mommy is through with grieving over this road block. Crying won’t get me pregnant. Ovulating, shmovulating. God is in control. I’m telling myself, No fits! and giving this over to God for the hundredth time.