Dear Micah,
From the title of this letter, you might think this was one of those, “Dear son, I’m sorry I yelled at you today,” kinds of letters. It’s not. This is much more amusing. You see, this morning you discovered two things about your mother: she has armpit hair and gas, and both are hilarious to you.
When I shuffled to your room this morning at 4:30am, I found you standing at the door with a big smile on your face. I swept up all 22 pounds of you into my arms and plopped you back in your big boy bed. Then, because I was only half-conscious, I laid down next to you, hoping it would trick you into sleeping in. Lucky for me, we both fell back asleep. You are the world’s best cuddler, though we are still trying to teach you how to kiss with your teeth safely hidden behind pursed lips.
Around quarter after seven, I felt you stir and I opened my eyes to see you hovering over me like a bobcat with a wild look in your eyes and a creepy, toothy grin on your face. You now have just enough hair to have bed-head, which made you look even crazier. When I smiled at you, you laughed and crawled right up on top of me. You are my little monkey.
Then I saw your gaze shift to my armpit as I stretched my arms behind my head. Micah, I’m usually pretty good about this, but every once in a while I go a few days without shaving my underarms, and wouldn’t you know, this was one of those times. Wouldn’t you know, your chubby fingers darted straight for the stubble and started flicking it, making me feel incredibly awkward. My first reaction was to pull my arm down quickly and say, “hey,” which of course, made you laugh.
And then as I sat up, I felt a rumbling in my stomach. In your thirteen months of life, I have never thought twice about farting in front of you, after all you are a baby, and isn’t that like farting in front of your dog? But, this time was the first time you laughed. You didn’t just laugh, you nearly keeled over with silly laughter, and you knew exactly where that sound came from. I know this because you just started laughing at your own gas this week.
Micah, this is the point in your life where two things will change. One, I will always keep stubbly armpits hidden from your sight from now on. Two, I am not going to fart in front of you anymore. You will grow up never hearing me toot, because “moms don’t fart.” But, somehow deep down you’ll know I can. And someday, you’ll see a girl’s armpit fuzz and for some reason you won’t be that shocked. (Please don’t flick hers, though.) There are some things you learn as a baby and remember for the rest of your life, even if you don’t remember learning them, like the taste of dirt. This is one of those things. Yes, Micah, girls fart and grow hair under their arms just like boys do. Try not to laugh too hard.